A year ago yesterday was one of the happiest days of my life. No…I didn’t get married, have a baby or win the lottery. I still have my heart set on that last one.
No…I received a private message from a friend that made my day. We had spent the previous night doing some collaborative writing and they wrote to let me know their appreciation.
Life was great for a couple of months, then things began to change. After coming back from an amazing trip to NYC, I felt different. I had little motivation and life just didn’t seem so cheery anymore. I figured it was just the let down of having to come back to the nothingness of Sioux City. Really…this place is boring.
But, it didn’t go away. It got worse and anxiety set in hard. Everything and nothing was wrong. Some days it felt like my very soul had been ripped out of my body and others like everything was out of my control. The more I tried to make it stop, the worse it got.
…If there is a worst case scenario, I have thought about it. I mean really, who worries about getting eaten by a shark when you’re thousands of miles from the nearest ocean…
It seriously hurt our friendship. I no longer get personal messages like the one I received a year ago, but we’re still friends. That’s the most I can ask for, I guess.
Fast forward and it’s started again. The weather has changed and the anxiety and depression have found their way back. This time I have meds to help take the edge off. It still sucks. But, now, instead of focusing on the pain and loss and crazy things that cross my mind I try to focus on the happy moments.
Those messages from friends that made me smile. The time spent with friends and acquaintances. The snuggles with my dogs. My wins and accomplishments. The time spent writing. The time spent with God.
Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t. But, when it’s all said and done, it will be the happy moments that will be worth all of the pain.