Republicans Suck!

This past week I answered my first of, I’m sure, many many political surveys before November. That’s my sign that the rest of the summer is going to be annoying. So, to make it a bit more fun (or less sucky anyway), I’m going to make fun of imaginary politicians and their parties, voters, and  political process. The first few characters are people who I know and love and are good sports about being satirized (that’s a word, right?).

[Chris] Next up on Now, Now! please welcome our guest Rachael Moore. Rachael is the New York Times Best Selling Author of “Republicans Suck!”. She is married to the fabulous transgender model, Ed. And, she has a new line of man panties coming out this summer.

A hundred hands go up in jazz fingers. Rachael walks out on stage in a “love is love” tee and jeans. She sits at the table across from Chris.

[Chris] We are so glad to have you here.

[Rachael] Thank you.

[Chris] Holds up the book.  Let’s talk about your book first. Republicans Suck! has been an amazing success. This is your first book, correct.

[Rachael] It is. After years of going to book signings and getting turned down by every writer I met, I turned to Fivr where I met Abshir. He has been wonderful. He had my book written in under a week. It had a few wording issues, but what can you expect from a 14 year old Somalian boy. You cannot imagine how excited he was when I gave him an extra five dollars for all his work. I feel so fortunate that I can help poor unfortunate victims of first world politics.

[Chris] You are truly a gem. Could you imagine a Republican helping poor starving African’s get out of poverty. I can’t.

[Rachael] That’s why I wrote my book, Chris. To let people know how badly the Republicans suck.

[Chris] I must say, your book took off. You sold 7 copies the first day it was released and after that you couldn’t keep copies on the shelves they sold so fast. Why do think that is?

[Rachael] Well Chris, it’s because people are opening their eyes and realizing that Republicans Suck!

[Chris] This is true. Am I right, people?

Jazz fingers shoot into the air.

[Rachael] You are right. We only have to take a look at who makes up the party to see that they suck. They are all rich, white, male Christians. They won’t even let people of color or woman or anyone who is LGBT or Q into their party.

[Chris] What are they so afraid of?

[Rachael] A lot, Chris. A lot. In Chapter 4. Or is it 5? Whatever. I talk about how Republicans are homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, gynophobic, islamaphobia and the latest liberalophobic.

[Chris] What are they so afraid of, Rachael?

[Rachael] Losing their coveted place of privilege. They don’t want to give up their white male-centric world view.  That would mean no more man-spreading or man-splaining. And they’d have to make their own sammiches.

[Chris] I think the world would be a far better place without man-spreading. I mean, hello, no one should have an entire seat in the limo to themselves. Share people.

Jazz hands went up.

[Chris] You go on to talk about their love of guns and violence. In Chapter 13, you state, and I quote: “Republicans are the cause of all of the mass murders in all of space and time.” Could you give me an example?

[Rachael] As I was researching this, it became quite clear that the 9/11 attack was directly linked to Republicans. If it hadn’t been for them and their violent rhetoric against Muslims, none of it would have ever happened. Islam is a peaceful religion. I am assured by my Muslim friends that violence only happens when they are threatened and required to defend themselves. If the Republicans would quit attacking them with their hurtful words, the bombings and shootings would end immediately. But, we can’t expect Republicans to be smart now can we?

[Chris] No we can’t.

[Rachael] And that brings me to my favorite topic. Education. Everyone knows that we love education. In fact, we stay in school longer than Republicans. The average Republican attends school until they are 18, 22 tops, then they get jobs. That is why we are so much smarter. We continue our education well into our thirties and then take positions with educational institutions where we can pass on our vast knowledge to the lesser educated. Just the other day, I was helping a recently graduated friend move into the office of her first professorship at James College in NY. She’s 45. That is dedication to education.

[Chris] How exciting. What will she be teaching?

[Rachael] Women and Gender Studies. This semester she’ll be teaching “Rape Culture”, “Men Are Evil and Scary”, and “Coloring 101”

[Chris] If only I were still in college. I’d be all over that Coloring 101 class. I have to tell you, every time I see a Trump commercial I whip out my coloring book and it calms me right down. I would be a basket case without it.

[Rachael] I completely understand.

[Chris] Let’s move along. You talk a little bit about Ed and her struggles being recognized for the woman she is.

[Rachael] You all know my wife. Chris can you put a picture of her up?

[Chris] Of course. Who doesn’t love looking at your wife?



[Rachael] Isn’t she beautiful? I am a lucky woman.

[Chris] We are running out of time. You talked a bit about Republicans and their hatred of Muslims. Who else do they hate?

[Rachael] Basically everyone not like them. Misogyny and racism run deep within the Republican party. Did you know they tried to stop multiple bills and Constitutional Amendments that would protect people from bakeries and pizza places that refuse to serve gay weddings or bar transgenders from using whichever bathroom and changing room they choose. It’s outrageous.

[Chris] I guess that explains why Republicans Suck! Thank you for coming on. I heard rumors that you have another book in the works.

[Rachael] I have another book coming out in October right before the election. Why Hillary is my Hero. It is so exciting. I’m just waiting for Abshir to finish it this week. Then off to the printers.

[Chris] I can’t wait to read it. We are out of time. This is Chris Matthews for Now, Now! signing off. Goodnight everyone.

Long display of Jazz hands.





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